Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Envy: Part one

I want to write about how jealous I am of Elizabeth Gilbert and other writers like her who are writing in my genre. And about how I feel all hurried up, like there is something I was supposed to take care of and I better get to it soon or else. And how I am supposed to be sitting there, on Oprah's new comfy couch with Gilbert and Joan Anderson (A Year by the Sea) and Martha Beck (Expecting Adam, etc.) and talking about the time when I found myself in the palm of God's hand (which is what Gilbert wrote about and it really seemed to impress Oprah).

I also was thinking today, as I drove to work, that when I met C. Norm Shealy, at CMED last year, I felt the deepest connection with him, as if I am supposed to work with him. But I don't know how that will transpire.

And I want to talk about feeling like we are "supposed to" do anything and how that feeling is the one that always gets to me... even though I know it isn't true, that there's nothing Im supposed to be doing, that Im doing just fine, that all is well, as Abraham reminds us again and again.

Still...

I am so restless and having trouble, as they say, being "easy about all of this." And the "supposed to" feeling makes me feel so powerless, like what am I supposed to DO? What action can I throw at this thing to make it move faster? When I know that, in fact, the real work is going to be sitting, meditation, finding my center and writing from that place. ANd I know that, in fact, unless I sit down and breathe, I will walk right across God's palm and never realize I was there. And my work won't work and I wont make it to the comfy couch.

Do you ever feel this way?

1 comment:

Amy Oscar said...

My friend Jeannie sent her comments by email. She gave me permission to post them here. This note includes comments on three different posts.

On Envy: part one - There is only one word that I have to say. Patience. Remember somebody, somewhere called it a "virtue"? The Universe works on it's own time. Same for God. If you are being restless it is because you are spiritually aware that the heavens are planning something else for you (which 99% of the population are unaware of)....and you are about to turn a corner, or start a new chapter, or find a new mission....any of these little phrases could fit.....

BUT THE TRUTH MAY BE...YOU NEED TO LEARN PATIENCE.

Your lessons will flow, but it's not on YOUR time...

On "Is it selfish to make art?:"
Are you kidding me? lol Anyone courageous enough to expand, and to offer their experiences to others = TEACHER. Do you find my acupressure sessions enjoyable? What if I thought it was selfish to give my acupressure to others? SEE? Your blog is your soul sharing it's talent with others who need it! I know I do. I read your words completely and faithfully each day. It is my coffee and my anchor.

BUT THE TRUTH MAY BE...YOU NEED TO TRUST YOURSELF.

On "Mirrors": Share. We never learn from easy...we never learn from happy...we only learn from adversity, grief, and forgiveness (from anger)....so once again I say to you...TEACH. Your blog is your platform. It doesn't matter how many people read it (although I know about the #of subscribers=brownie points to a publisher)...it only matters that the people who need to learn the same things you have learned are guided.

BUT THE TRUTH MAY BE...YOU NEED TO HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOUR TALENT

It's ok to pose the rhetorical question to others so that they can answer in their hearts.......but don't doubt yourself.