Thursday, October 4, 2007

I am so in love with me

It's okay to say that, isn't it? I mean, sometimes I just feel really proud, especially at times like this, when I am pushing through something that's really hard and resisting the tendency I have to give up or not do my best.

So even while all of this is going on and I am being drained of my time and energy and lately, money, I am feeling really alive and proud. It's the way I felt when, in labor, I reached transition and it was time to push the baby out and the midwife told me I had a cervical lip, which meant that she had to put her hands in there and push back a piece of the cervix that was keeping Katie from flying into the world. And I said, Oh no you dont and I slid all the way backwards up the wall until I was standing up on the bed (naked). And she said, "Well, you are going to have to just do this so we might as well get it over with" and I said, "Oh, crap," and I came back down on the bed and she did it and it hurt but then that part was over and there was Katie, all wet and squirmy and .... Katie-ish.

And Susan called and said, "Would you do it again?" and this was before the endorphins or hormones that make you forget the pain had been delivered by my endocrine system and I said, "Hell, no! It hurt more than anything Ive ever done!" But then, while I was nursing Katie, I realized: Yes I would. Yes I would. Yes I would.

This is kind of like that.
I feel as if I am giving birth to something really beautiful... and it's me.

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