Sunday, March 2, 2008


every now and then, i get the feeling that everything that I am, that I believe in, that I have ever so carefully built, is melting. this is one of those times...

please don't worry about this, i kinda like it

it feels important, like a deep tissue massage for the emotional body and i can feel it bringing to the surface some things that have been silently but steadily eating away at my life for a long, long time

like detox, in the way that consuming, for a few days, only fresh juices, will urge our cells to release toxins, this melting is making me release a few well-rooted fantasies that weren't doing anyone any good

the vehicle of this melting is tears--and several interesting injuries (a twisted neck, a broken tooth, a finger sliced with a pair of scissors and the very symbolic way that the finger cut didn't bleed until I sat down to my computer to write an email)

i will spare you the details of my personal life but, in the interest of clarity, I will explain that this melting is concerned with three categories: ownership of self, the ability to create and maintain a home, freedom and slavery, marriage and love

a few days ago, a friend was telling me her story and I found myself guided to reach up, touch her forehead with my finger and say, "You are free now. Go and be the you you really are."

yesterday, after several hours of crying, I realized that this was pretty much what was going on with me, too. I took out my little black sketchbook and started making a list of the things I was thinking hoping to capture my thoughts as they went by

"all of the people I would normally turn to to sort this out are involved in the problem. there is absolutely no one I can talk to." "it is impossible to have the freedom I want without money. it is impossible to have the money i want without giving up my freedom" "im afraid i will never complete my lifes work", "I am not worthy of the kind of love that I want", "I am completely alone"

You know what I mean...

I kept melting--and crying all day-- my eyes continuing to stream even after I wasn't experiencing any sadness, pulling up all residual wet saltiness that needed to come out

finally, while driving from one place to another, I remembered prayer and asked my angels: Take this from me now. Take it and work your magic on it and make it work out for everyone involved

the moment I let that prayer go, I started to see signs that it had been heard--and that my angels were with me: A white car with the numbers 444 in its plate pulled in front of me (444 means "Angels surround you now")

A few minutes later, at the cafe where I went to write, a man leaned over to whisper to his wife, "444?"

"Yes," she said. "444." Then, they stood and left.

That sign was so cool that it completely distracted me and when my daughter called to ask me to bring her some lunch at the all day tech rehearsal of Phantom of the Opera, I checked in backstage to see if the sewing moms needed any help with the costumes, which they did.

And then, as I sat down to stitch the bodice of a pink and green ballerina costume, a 16-year-old boy I'd never seen before came up and handed me a feather.

"I found this," he said, smiling at me. I took it from him, checking it off as another sign (my angels love to give me feathers in unusual ways). And when one of the sewing moms told me his name, it was confirmed. His name, bless his hippie parents, was Freedom.

i could end it there but it's important you know that last night, my husband, daughter and i opted not to go to the parties we were invited to. we stayed home, eating Chinese food and watching a movie that i found, mysteriously, on my desk two days ago. The movie's name is Feast of Love--and when it was over, my husband started the process of his own melting, weeping on my shoulder. "That movie completely changed the way I see our life together," he told me this morning

then he went his way and I went mine
off to our own feasts of love, each melting and becoming more solid every day

This morning, I remembered that in one of the dreams from my tempest-toss'd sleep last night, I reached out and touched my husband's forehead saying, "You are free now. Go and be the you you really are."

And in the dream, he reached back, touched mine and gazing into my eyes with a fierce true love, he gave that blessing back to me

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