Monday, August 24, 2009

Maybe I'm not....

Maybe I'm not special after all.

Maybe I'm not going to be a published author or a teacher. Maybe I won't ever finish a book, attain enlightenment, get a college degree or figure out my marriage, my family of origin, or what the freak to eat.

Maybe, just for a moment, I could set aside these lofty goals, these shoulds and coulds that have hounded my steps for so long, and just be...

Just for a moment.

What would be left? Who would I be? Add what, without them, would I become?
What if I just... let... them... go?

What then would I add to the conversation--to the flow of the world, to the people around me, to my community, to life itself, to God? Because I so desperately want to contribute.


This time, as my life cleaves open, one phase--motherhood--passing into the next... (and what that next is I don't yet know)... This time, as I stand at the lip of another cavern of possibility, what if, instead of filling its void space with busyness, fear-based projection and fantasy, I just let it be there.

What if, after we sit together for a time, this cavern and me, I see what it has to teach me?
What if, instead of racing ahead of life, I just sit here and listen?


Sheri said...

I believe if you can "let it go" and just be, you will find a peacefulness which will fill you up from the inside. It is when we begin to help others that we can forget ourselves and live in the moment.

Amy Oscar said...

Thanks so much for your comment, Sheri. I love it when people leave a note here. And I agree with you completely. Now the challenge is to do it, to believe, also, that there's time to sit still and just be, that the world wont stop spinning if I stop pushing it along. As my two kids leave for college and I face my empty nest, that's what I'm hoping to do.

Amy Oscar said...

A regular reader, Joseph, granted me permission to share the comments he sent to me privately, by email. He wrote:
You already are an executive in a magazine. You write stories that touch people. You also blog and constantly stimulate people like me and give us something to think about other than our own "hum-drum" existence. But much more importantly: You are a loving, caring Daughter. A nurturing, supportive, devoted Mother. I know it's an old cliche', but it is very true: "The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world". From Sepharad (Spain) comes this one: "El hombre propone, pero la mujer dispone"
("Man proposes, but woman disposes"). Were you not to rise in stature from what you are today, by virtue of who you are and what you are (Woman), you are a force with which to be reckoned. Have a great day- hope your purple blue funk has passed. Hope your Father is well. Thank you for what you do.