Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Dream

This dream is so precious that I am afraid to write it down.
I wait ten days. But I am afraid I will forget it so I talk about it. I roll it around inside of myself.

The dream has left me so profoundly changed that I can no longer find the line between what/who I was and what/who I have become. With one dream, I am severed from my former self like light from darkness, as all the inner work I’ve done has taken hold. I am transformed. A new day.

There are three MEs.
1) A frightened, worried self, indecisive, fraught, wringing her hands and frozen in place with indecision;
2) A confident, wide and loving presence-the higher self, wise, wide, welcoming
3) The observer, watching the other two.

The worried self is struggling to make a choice; the loving/confident self guides her, showing her, through words and actions, “I am always here. You can always call on my wisdom to guide you.” The third self, whom I will refer to as "I," watches as the loving/confident self presses up against the back of the worried self and holds her. Safely encircled in protection, the worried self sighs, easing back, trusting the confident self.

I wake up.


I know that I have witnessed a miracle - a soul integration, a healing.
I am absolutely certain it is real.

Since then, I have, with bafflement (is that a real word?) and awe, noticed these changes, and they keep coming:

FEAR
I am no longer afraid to speak the truth.
I am no longer afraid to see the truth.
I am no longer afraid to BE the truth of who I really am.

I am no longer afraid.
More accurately, when fear comes toward me, I am not afraid of my fear.
I move, in spite of fear, toward revealing what is true is a situation — and then, moving onward, toward light.

CORE SELF
I have seen and experienced that I am, essentially, pure light and kindness - at my deepest core, a good and loving person.

RELATIONSHIPS
I see now that all of the lashing out that I've done (mostly at my husband and my mother) was about protecting my tender, unstruck heart from harm.
This cracks my heart open while, simultaneously, healing it. I forgive myself fully. I move on.
This healing happens instantly.

I no longer need to harm others to protect myself.
I no longer engage in pointless arguments with Matthew. I tell him the truth and honor his.
I laugh when he is funny. (So far, this is my favorite change - being able to see again, my husband's brilliance, his shining self, the bright boy I fell in love with all those years ago.)


At first, in the days immediately following the dream, I thought: It won't last. I kept checking my psyche for fissures, hairline cracks that would, I thought, eventually shatter the effect of whatever had happened to me - bringing me back to my former self.

It's been several months - and I've been through a great deal of turmoil, including the open heart surgery of my mother - and none of it has gone away.

These changes are permanent, solid, real. They have penetrated to the nuclei of my cells. Writing this, I know they are deeper than that - deeper than the mitochondria of the nuclei; deeper than the deepest caves of my heart.

This is what's available, I want to shout - almost all the time.
This is what can happen.
I knew it!

But since the dream, I am letting other people (you, for example) have their own experiences; I no longer need to control what they say, do, think or feel. I know that they (and you) will get where you need to get when you need to get there.

I trust the process.

Somehow, in my clutzy, imperfect way, I have healed something deep, profound and old; and the shift is healing my entire family. In a future post, I will write about this: How one person's shift affects everything and everyone around her.

For now, Here's what I'll say:

There is an aspect of me (and of you) that is beyond fear; an aspect so deep and wise and true that it is beyond all earthly concerns. Through the work I have been doing for the past few years, I've been guided, nudged and gently urged along the path of discovery until my path led me here, where I looked deep into the eyes of my own soul.

In that moment, I made contact with a core of ancient wisdom so pure that it changed everything.
I cannot go back.

Anything can change - and it can change instantly.
I am safe in the world. And so are you.
I AM the world. And so are you.
My life is entirely up to me. And so, bless your soul, is yours.

That was one heckuva dream.

16 comments:

Elissa Stein said...

Amy, god. You speak such truth. Such depth. Such knowing. And what you wrote is how I saw you, sensed you. You radiate that completeness even if you weren't able to own it yourself.

Jamie said...

What a beautiful event in your life! I feel like my three selves are still in the thick of battle at times. You don't happen to remember what you ate or drank that night? I need that dream. Hope you have sweet ones tonight.

Amy Oscar said...

LOL. Jamie, knowing me, there was caffeine involved, possibly red wine... and a great deal of inner work. Id love to have another one like that. Still integrating this one, though.

Bridget said...

Really happy that you've integrated your selves! And also really happy that the integration seems to be staying.
As Jamie says, it's a beautiful event!

Kat Jaib said...

Wow. Wow. And triple Wow. First, you write beautifully. Absolutely flows like a poem. Second, what you've said is so powerful I have "godbumps" all over. It sounds like lots of inner work has come to fruition for you, and I'm rejoicing with you where you stand today. I have had that dream, too, and stood where you stand. Sometimes I think I've forgotten, and your dream reminds me that it's still there for me, too. Can't wait to read more of what you have to say, and to see how this dream is unfolding for you. Big hugs to you. And thank you for sharing it with us.d

sheila said...

Very powerful and pivotal dream…the observer is key…interesting, you observed the observer part of yourself via your dream. To be not afraid is the ultimate liberation. Great piece!

Amy Oscar said...

Sheila - Wow! Could there be a fourth, fifth... an infinite number of "selves" in us, each observing the ones before it in an infinite nesting of layers.

Wow. Thanks for pointing this out to me.

Julie said...

Beautiful Amy, What an amazing dream. No fear. Wise soul. The obsevant "I". These experiences teach us, on a can-never-go-back level, that what we are is not what we 'think' we are.
Thank you for sharing, so eloquently, this process. Your sharing it is a gift to all that come across this post.

Susan C Brown said...

What a beautiful dream, and beautiful telling of its life-changing effect. I love the wisdom and clarity that can come through dreams when we pay attention. It sounds like you've earned this one, with deep and difficult work-- it's inspiring!

Ronna Detrick said...

So, so beautiful! So, so profound! So, so true!

Keep speaking. And keep dreaming - on behalf of us all!

Dian Reid said...

oh, my. i had to read this twice because all through the first read i was hazily remembering a dream of my own that affected me similarly (deeply), creating a wave of change which was unstoppable.

the second time 'round i found myself taking in your experience and...wow. "I trust the process." a powerful, and so overlooked key. often i (the observer me) find myself (the calmer wiser me) reminding myself (the scared and bewildered me) that everything is as it should be, and to just trust the process, because it is, after all, MY process.

thank you for sharing your beautiful soul, amy!!

Jeanne said...

“By Jove, I think you’ve got it!” xoxo

That wasn’t a dream. That was a visitation. You met God and probably a host of Angels watching and learning along with you. What you remember now will deepen with more memories of what occurred as time goes by and you apply it to your life. You’ve been given the crayons of Spirit to color in the picture of your being....and there are a lot more in the box to come!

How Glorious.

And the REALLY good part, is that it will never leave you. It will never lessen. It will change a little bit over the next few years though, but in a very good way. You will deepen and become more faceted. Your spirit has changed and grown enlightened. People who come in contact with you will feel God’s love through you.

I’m so happy for you. And you put into words what my feelings were.... from when I came back from being allowed to visit Heaven!

I love you. Jeanne

Trish said...

What a beautiful story/experience of awakening. "I AM the world. And so are you."

mydivabydesign said...

Thank you for this post. i have had one of those life changing dreams myself. it was such a strange dream and yet I felt like a new person after I woke up. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the world could have a collective dream that brought us all peace inside ourselves?

allen gibson said...

I wonder at how you got to this place in your journey. I have read the vignettes of your life as you post them to this blog, and watched as you struggled with and loved and cherished your unfolding life.

Sometimes,it just happens-- ka-zang-- that it all comes together. Other times,it grows bit by bit. However it happened for you, and however it keeps happening for you, blessings and shalom be yours.

Allen

Dianne said...

What an amazing and awesome gift that event (dream) has been in your life... You get to accept the totality of who you are and love it all. There are gifts in all the parts, the good and the "bad". And now you get to share that gift with us...

Thank you Amy!

Dianne