Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Last night: 3:00 a.m.

Since I was awake, I thought I'd just go check my email... and Twitter... and Facebook. And there, I found a link about Crop Circles.

And that led me down the rabbit hole, as such middle-of-the-night words often do, when we are open to the dream world, and the imagery that seems to flow more easily in darkness.

Down I went...
Crop Circles
Sacred Geometry
Joseph Campbell
The Golden Ratio

I crawled back up into the dark night and had a dream... of course.

I was preparing for a new endeavor - all the plans had been made, I had only to submit to two medical screenings. I passed the first test. All I needed now was the blood typing. The nurse attempted to stick my finger, a huge needle came out and I pulled my hand away. "I will do it myself," I offered, chewing at the pad of my forefinger. I drew a little blood, but not enough. She handed me a lancet - in it's little sterile envelope. I opened it and was about to cut when...

"Excuse me," a little voice said. I turned and found, standing behind me, six children. The oldest, a little girl with great big eyes, who looked to be about 7, spoke. "Can you tell us how to find 29-I?" she asked.

"Is that your room?" I asked - we were in a huge resort center (the dream now informed me) and the blood test was being conducted in its pharmacy.

The girl - and her little brother, the second oldest, nodded solemnly. "I'll take you there," I said. I led them to the hallway and told them to wait. I'd be right back. Just wanted to get Max.

But I couldn't find him. Leaving the children, trying not to forget them, I started searching. I came into the stands of a huge outdoor stadium - ancient and crumbling, the levels were made of concrete. People were sitting around, waiting for something. One of Max's teachers intercepted me. "We told Max that his father is dying," he told me. "Just thought you should know that he knows."

"His father is dying?" I asked. "I didn't know... "
"Heat stroke," the teacher explained. "He fell asleep in the car and the heat shield didn't work."

I turned, ran up the stairs, searching. Where is Max? Where is Katie?

I found Katie snuggled into my husband's arms. "Here you are," I said. "Have you heard?" He nodded. Katie's face was tear-stained. She pressed her cheek to Matthew's chest.

I was so glad he was there to comfort us. I tried to take it in. The children's father was dying. My heart began to ache and burn. Where was Max?

Then, "I have to take the children to their room," I remembered."Will you come with me?" Matthew nodded, transferring Katie to my arms, he walked behind us.

We found Max by cell phone. He was weeping. At the pharmacy, the children were huddled against the wall. Waiting. Max arrived. We began to lead the children to their room. I still hadn't done my blood test, I realized.

The children followed behind us. I carried Katie. Max, age 10, walked solemnly beside me, Matthew held his arm around me. I rested my head on his shoulder.

"I miss him so," I began to cry, turning into Matthew's arms.

As I woke up, I realized: How can Matthew be here, comforting me? He is in the hospital, dying.


Alice Langholt said...

I notice that your dreams often include blood. What does that represent to you? It could be your life, or it could be about you giving, or it could be something else.

Your children (and others) are also present in some of the dreams you blog about. It's obvious that they are important in your life and high in your thoughts. You are concerned for other's safety and well being and are always looking after them first, before your own needs (in this case giving blood - giving again - and even trying to do it yourself).

And then there's Matthew. Comforting you and the children on his imminent passing. Sounds here like he is someone whose strength you rely on and that you see him as having strength even beyond understanding. How can he comfort me when he is dying? You wonder. You see him as strong beyond understanding, maybe beyond how strong you see yourself. And you love him deeply.

Crop circles can bring on a lot, can't they?

If this seems way off, forgive me. I see it as an exercise in interpretation and appreciate the opportunity to do so.

With lots of love,

Amy Oscar said...

Oh, Alice - this brings tears to my eyes. Not 'way off' - very much 'on' - especially your comment about my feelings for Matthew.

As for blood, I think it's the symbol of my energy. In this dream, I sense it means that I am choosing to take control of how and when to 'donate' that to others, even when it's required as a test of my worthiness. I'm no longer willing to just 'hand' it over. There's a choice being made there.

I turn toward the children - away from the authority/gatekeepers. I want to help people and I don't need permission anymore to do that.

Erin said...

Wow! How do you remember so many vivid details about your dreams? I can never recall this kind of content. I am not very skilled at interpretation, but I love Alice's take on it. And I agree it's about your strength as a woman, as a person.

Amy Oscar said...

Ive had some more insight on this just now: Numbers play a big part in my waking guidance. Can't ignore them here.

In conversation with my daughter, I realized that the 6 children, are all me. The little girl looked just like me, BTW. I think that each child represents an aspect of my true self, getting older and stronger.

Tho I didn't mention it before, the children were all very shy and hiding behind the stronger, bigger girl. To me, this is about my gradual 'coming out' from behind - speaking up. Asking myself: Where is 29-I?

They are lost, and looking for their room. It's not their house. It's their 'home' in the strange 'world' of this resort.

And when I turn that number around, I have to ask: What was "I" doing, who was I when I was 29?

And that's the key: At 29 I stepped off the stage, turned my energy inward. I'd been working toward a career as a seminar leader - speaking before large audiences of 100, then 200 people.

I was very comfortable there - teaching this material is my calling - but I knew I had something more important to do first.

At 29, all in one day, I realized this, quit my job and started my family.

But now Im back - ready to step back onto that stage. But in my own way. And I'm not going to 'give blood' to do it.

Julie Jordan Scott said...

Wow. Powerful. I am going to spend time being with this one, Amy.

(and you know, I found Rainer Rilke for the first time on one of those wild swings through the internet at about 1 or 2 a.m. I think it was...)